Log # 34
Birthdays are weird. At least for me. It mostly makes me realize how another year has passed and I haven’t been able to achieve many of my goals. I don’t remember my early childhood birthdays because a lot of time my parents were having a clash and we would be cutting cake at any of my cousin’s place without my mom or they will come over – all pretending that this situation is super normal. After my parents’ divorce and when my mom left, suddenly my father’s family started making a big deal of our birthdays. My sister’s 7th birthday was celebrated with all family and this was almost 12 days after mama was made to leave. All the pretending to be okay and happy in front of people was very painful. I will never understand and neither want to understand how come all my paternal family members never thought about what we would be going through. Absolutely no f*cks were given from them. Perhaps this was another reason I started disliking my own birthdays. I was always sad on the day because of so many emotions that I had to go through each time.
Over time I had tried to change this mindset. It is a day I was born on and maybe not for everyone but I know for me and a handful around me, I am worth celebrating. I have never been that excited for my birthdays because I didn’t want to have high expectations. I know how it feels to look up to the closest ones around you to celebrate you and in return for them to do or say something that makes you feel worthless. The lower the expectations, the better it is. I am however excited for birthdays of my closed ones. The closest one to me right now is Binoo. She turned 9 this year MashaAllah and while I don’t know how her previous 8 years of life were, I believe she was well loved and taken care of. Maybe she can tell me about it someday. So to celebrate this little life that lives with me, I decided to throw a little party and invite a few friends over.
Day started with cleaning and arranging the apartment which is a lot of work no matter how small the space is. Then we moved on to preparing some food and rest I ordered. My friends came over and Binoo who is usually super social, found herself a little overwhelmed, so she slept. Once everyone was here, we set the table and Binoo’s cake and now was the time to hold her while everyone sings birthday song to her. She stayed until the end of the song and then ran away with her fur flying around us. Cute of all of my friends tho to actually sing for her, a cat. It made me happy setting up a little decor for her, getting an actual cake for us and a patty cake for her and most of all throwing a gathering just in her name. Mere jaan! Honestly, I miss Sushi a lot in these moments.
I have a really small circle here but I like them all. I have maintained friendships in the past where I didn’t really like the person and those ones can really get exhausting. Anyhow, we cut the cake, had food, chatted for long time and then decided to hit a bar to end the night. I usually would say no to going out after a gathering but I also want to step out sometime and have good conversations. What else do I have left other than these relations that I have built. If I stay home I usually am stuck in the same thoughts that I have these days. You can also get non-alcoholic drinks at nearly all places. Just saying.
Weather has changed really quickly too and this night also brings in the first frost of the season. The frost that killed my poor tomato plant, which I forgot to cover before sleeping. I don’t know why but this winter is brining me a weird sense of dread and sadness. It is my forth winter now but as the cold starts seeping in, it just gets gloomy. Or maybe the weather of my soul is getting all blue and cold now.