Log # 30
Living alone is really nice. It’s peaceful, calm, free. However, every now and then there comes a time when it gets ‘lonely’ perhaps. Not necessarily because there isn’t a person around but because there wasn’t anyone to chat with, on call or in person. I think I have had a similar day today. I wasn’t feeling great since yesterday so I have stayed indoors for more than 48 hours now. No face to face human interaction, just me and my Binoo. I enjoy her and her presence a lot, and super grateful for her. But all I have been doing is watching content on either the phone or iPad. There is only so much you can watch and then there isn’t much to watch either and everything becomes boring. Since I don’t have a TV for about 3 months now, I also do not have any subscriptions either. Today was the first day where I felt like maybe I want a Netflix subscription again. There is much to do at home too. There are things that I want to achieve in life and therefore I look to gain knowledge for those things too, but when you’re sick or not feeling well – nothing seems worth it or there is no energy to work on anything.
I have also started getting this feeling that nothing really is worth it. Look at where we are going as humanity? I was also checking on where the Global Flotilla has reached to break Gaza’s illegal siege, they are almost 100 miles away as of today. I felt a sense of anxiousness too looking at it. Also thinking, is this not the jihad that Muslims are told to do? Standing up for the right and fighting the wrong. We are not doing anything. It’s about to be 2 years to this genocide and we haven’t done anything to protect the innocents who were slaughtered for the land. Looking at it all, looking at what we are running towards in life really has started to make me feel like more or less, everything is worthless. It’s all useless. We are working towards the wrong things. I also did wrong by watching an episode on Rotten Mango YouTube channel about a murder. Goodness, my brain has had it enough for the day. One being alone in the house, two being so anxious with what is going on in the world and then a murder story episode with very gore details. I did a number on me today.
Like I said, living alone and independent is really nice. Once you start enjoying it there is no going back. Something that is super essential is to know how to look after yourself mentally, physically and spiritually. Avoiding screens is great, getting a small walk outdoors really helps (mental health walk is no joke), study or work towards a goal that engages your brain and not let it go down black holes, and perhaps pray, meditate, get some nice sleep. For me these things help, if I do attempt on doing any of it. But I am also well aware when I need a break from everything and isolate to recharge myself. Writing really helps and while I haven’t been super active here, I have been keeping an offline log of things. Journaling also helps remembering what I did on a certain day so I can look back and recall it, else I will definitely forget the details. Life is beautiful and while there certainly are times which are not as easy as others, nothing is here to stay forever. Nothing is permanent and isn’t that a beautiful thing too?