Log # 134
Today was my birthday. Unlike every year, this year I was happy, content and felt lighter. Usually it is not the case, birthdays are difficult sad and very heavy for me. There were times when I just wanted to disappear because of how this day and the people around me at the time made me feel. So this one, is a special one in a very long time. When thinking about it why I felt a certain way, I realized it wasn’t because I was not a fan of me. I mean yes, if I had known where I was getting born and how my life is going to be for first three decades I may have chosen to not be born. But here I am, 34 years later and may be a little happier than ever before. Alhamdulilah. Allah huma Barik.
When you are surrounded by people who constantly make you feel like you don’t matter, you are unimportant and just a burden on them, then the same people cutting cake with you and singing the birthday song is nothing but a show they are putting for themselves perhaps. Each birthday was just a burden and a heavy day for me. When I was at my dad’s, my mother was not there and I was forced to include the woman in my ‘celebration’ who is the reason my mother wasn’t under the same roof with me. How will that make any child, any person – happy? I used to have my friends over too sometimes on my birthday and as the time went on I preferred to not be home on the day. When I was at my mom’s she did her best to make me feel happy and important. She had put efforts to do something special. I still remember the yellow dog bag she got me on one of my birthday’s and I loved that bag so much. I still have it somewhere in the house I think. I know that my family members love me or I mean a lot to them. They have celebrated me this year too just like every year. I am so grateful for their existence. It is the history of my previous years there that had tainted the day for me.
This year was different. I am among people who are not related to me but they appreciate me, love me and see me as me. They don’t put me on society’s scale to judge whether or not I ‘deserve’ to be respected, valued and loved. I don’t feel like I am a burden around these people. No one wishing me birthday was telling me to get married soon, they just wished me my birthday. I am appreciated and liked for who I am. They know my interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes and what not. I am considered and seen as a complete person who doesn’t need to do anything extra to get people’s approval. How rare is that…
I am blessed by Allah in ways that I could have never imagined. The greatest of those blessings is being among people who I need around me. I have and I will continue to distance myself from anyone who brings any negativity in my life. I have aimed to look after myself and for that I must disengage and distance too. I am happy, content, in Allah’s protection Alhamdulilah and very grateful for all I have right now.
Happy 34th Birthday to me! I am a big girl now and very proud of myself.
Allah huma Barik.