Log # 02

Can we have resentments, anger and care for someone at the same time? I think I have had this question on my mind for a couple days now, but haven’t come to a conclusion yet. Thinking of actions and inactions that occurred over several years angers me and has, of course, led to resentments that do not go away. Is forgiveness even an option? If yes, is it forced or do we actually mean it? Or are we just weaklings who say ‘I forgive you’ because what else are we going to do anyway? I don’t intend to forgive. Why should I even? I mean, you can only forgive someone if they acknowledge the part they played, the things they did. If they do not even see it as something they should be apologetic for, why should I be burdened to let go and forgive?

People will tell you ‘I will be there for you, don’t worry’. I think this is one of those lies I have heard since the day everything really fell apart. Then I kept hearing it over and over again, sometimes from the same mouths and sometimes some new ones. You will look up to people to protect you – the ones who are supposed to – but they are not there to protect you. They are there for their selfish interests, and perhaps you are a burden on them. Or should I say a weapon that will be used against the other one who played a part to make you? You will eventually stop looking out to people to give you a hand and learn that it’s you for you, or no one. I had been this person who let go quite a lot. Playing this mediator to keep the peace. Ignoring stuff thinking well this isn’t new, did I expect better in the back of my mind? Knowing very well, nothing has changed. However, there were these other times, when I burned from inside so much that I wanted to shout, cry and maybe bruise my knuckles on the cause. Did I end up becoming one of them, who brews hate in their hearts and spare no one, even if it is an eight or seven year old? Was I weak all these years and now starting to get courage? Or is it that I am just really done now?

Should you walk away and call it Allah’s will? Or fight back and call it your right? Should you keep suppressing, keep letting go, keep burying all that anger and resentment? Should you just keep playing nice for a couple more decades until you’re six feet down? Or do you take a stand, build a spine, stand tall and walk away? None of it can answer my question, I am running in circles. So, can I have resentment, anger and care for someone at the same time?